I had lived at a time in my life , the way I can best describe as 'living to please others' I was all given out to what others think, what they felt, neglecting my own very self. Until I realised that, I have got a self and if I will live the best of me, I have to put me first (one has to be greedy in that). I am the first when it comes to me. Then I allowed what people said, thought, to affect my life too much. Then it was all about them; friends, family, colleague and society. I try to follow the trend to feel among. I tried to laugh even when there was nothing funning just to please a friend. I did many things that were not compactible with me then to please others. I wore the clothes that pleased them, it seemed as if I did not have a view and values as it seemed they were always right. And you know, doing those things made me fill in and I enjoyed it, I loved to feel among.
Empty life, moving with the crowd. I could not speak of anything meaningful I lived for then other than pursuing a life not real. Using all my money to buy cloth, jewel, make up, trying to fit into no place at all. Friends, a turning came at a point when I came to note that, those I was following were not following me, they seemed to just want me to follow them, they won't do anything to please me. My bf then will want me to change everything about me but one major thing that used to cause our disagreements was telling him to change an habit or a style. My friends, would give to what they believe but want me to follow their paths. Reality dawn on me when I got to know that I was the one following, they won't make any change for me. By this time I had been far from self, living the fake life, a life that did not suit my personality. I decided to turn because it was much of forcing myself on them or just hanging on with them living their lives.
I didn't announce or sought opinion before I changed unlike before, I sought their opinion like seeking their approval before doing my things. I began to wear clothes that suit me, style my hair the way I loved. Eat as my normal self (not faking it) It feels goods, yummy! I began to go out and move in at when convinent and I now make my decisions, I was happy. I never knew I would lose friends. I just felt, if they could stand, I can stand as well. I lost most of them even my boy friend, who was willing to customise me to his taste.
It was tough and not too tough, embracing myself made me know more about myself , it pointed me to my passion and I now have something to live for. I became secured and happy. One thing was, I found like minds, strong and happy, living their lives and thriving. I changed class of my friends and moved of for a better life.
I gave myself that love, to love me and never, never trade myself for the pleasure of others. Loving me is sweet. I love myself.